Posted October 01, 2015
I'm finishing up a course of antibiotics and steroids for a sinus and ear infection. Because I lost my hearing in one ear (likely) from a prior infection, my ENT doctor went totally jihad in his treatment plan.
In addition to the medication, the doctor asked me to start doing a nightly saline flush. You know. Where you squirt a bucket of salt water up each nostril into the sinus cavity. Every night. For the rest of your life. But only if I want to keep my hearing in the other ear. If I decide I want to go completely deaf, I can totally stop.
And when I wake up every morning for the rest of my life I'm supposed to do a double-nostril squirt of Flonase. This will tamp down allergies and swelling and also help keep me thin. Because there's something about Flonase that makes me feel like barfing up the food I haven't even eaten yet.
And then there's the probiotics which are supposed to offset the digestive effects of the antibiotics. And the Pepto because the probiotics don't really get you back to 100 percent. Oh, and the Advil. The puffy steroid face you can't do much about. I feel like the woman in Massys' painting of the "Ugly Duchess."
After two weeks of this punishing regimen -- which seemed fantastic when I had an agonizing pain that radiated from my ear to my jaw like a buzz saw that had slipped its chain -- I've decided that the drug cocktail, mixed in to the water supply, would pretty much dismantle Al Qaeda.
You feel so bad that you totally want to go out and hurt people, but you can't. Because you're afraid you're going to poop your pants.
So many lives could be saved...