My List of The World's Worst Smelling Smells (As I See It).

Share this post Twitter Facebook Tumblr Email Posted October 18, 2013

 

Malicious Advice Mallard on bad smells.

 

Here's my short list. Not necessarily in order of offensiveness:

 

1) Eternity by Calvin Klein. Seriously. Who gave the stamp of approval on this one? The department that designs crap for people to buy as souvenirs on trips to Vegas, that's who. And I always wind up sitting right next to that gal on the train. It's been 25 years - when will Eternity go away?

 

2) Airplane restrooms. Extra stressful on those little coffee can jets and on long haul flights on ancient jumbos. Any flight on Air France.

 

3) Farts on a treadmill. If you could not fart while you're running on the treadmill next to me, THAT'D BE GREAT.

 

4) Dog poop on a hot city sidewalk in the summer. New York City's posh East End Avenue? I call that "dog shit alley."

 

5) Hippie B.O. If you work in a shared space, do NOT use the crystal rock pit stick. Do NOT use Dr. Bronner's hemp bar soap (the liquid works so much better but I can't tell you why.) Do NOT coat yourself with an air blanket of patchouli to cover up the pot smell.

 

6) Back in high school I had a friend who had hunting dogs who were not allowed inside. Since they were working dogs not family dogs they were rarely, if ever, bathed. On cold winter nights he let them sleep in his van to protect them from the wind. So when you got in the van the next day? It smelled like two big, smelly, Labradors who had heated up previous smelly Lab smells with their smelly hot Lab breath overnight. And since this was the 80's (pre-Febreeze), he would spray the whole van with Lysol before we drove anywhere. So it smelled like a the garbage can at a veterinary practice in Tijuana. It was a bad smell.

 

7) Gary, Indiana. Why isn't the government doing anything about this?! Wrong on so many levels.

 

8) The "butter" they pour on movie popcorn. It's weird to me that people think that chemical butter is delicious. It gives me an instant headache any time I'm around it. Close second to movie theater "butter" is that "chicken" that's in frozen dinners - that smells so dead to me.

 

OK. That's my list. And, of course. I get that there are other really, really bad smells out there - like dead bodies or certain kinds of sandwiches people make at home and eat at their desks - but this is a list of things it seems like we should be able to get a handle on.

But since we never, ever do, I tapped into my powers and invented good smelling smells that I can carry around and impose on other people. So I made these things that clean the air with natural citrus and don't cause cancer or turn bad smells into bad smells with a side of chemical badness. Also, I'm really tired of people. And have the added benefit of making the world seem like a better place, as long as you're still huffing my stuff.

You don't know which aromatherapy mood spray to try? You start with Apathy. It smells fresh and clean and the green herbs make you smarter. How could you possible go wrong with that?

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